A second, or reverse, puberty. With the benefit of hindsight.
Menopause is often described as a 'second' or 'reverse' puberty. And although my kids are all grown (well as grown as we ever get!), I've been thinking about how transitioning into adulthood compares to where we are now. Not biologically the same thing, obviously. But there is something familiar about inhabiting a body that suddenly seems to be changing its own rules.
Sleep behaves differently. Energy shifts. Our relationship with food, exercise, sex, alcohol or stress can change. Things that once felt automatic can need more thought.
And then there is the identity bit.
Who am I now? What do I want? What am I prepared to tolerate? Why does this suddenly matter so much? Why does that suddenly matter so little?
There is a lot of recalibration going on.
But there is one part of puberty I really don't want to repeat: the absolute conviction that the people who had already lived through it could not possibly have anything useful to tell me. Taking advice was something my teenage self was viscerally opposed to.
Midlife gives us another go at that. And with it have come a few reflections on what we can do differently with all the lessons life has taught us.
1. Different paths. Shared journey.
One of the most important things I have learnt from thousands of conversations with members of our community over the last 7 years is just how individual menopause is. There is no single version. There are no silver bullets.
For some of us sleep is the thing that shifts first. For others, it is anxiety. Some of us might experience excruciating joint pain, brain fog, weight redistribution, changes to our skin, confidence or libido. Others feel little at all physically but may find themselves looking at life and thinking, 'what next?'.
What unites us all is the wisdom we carry in our bones and the perspective that years on this planet bring.
My menopause does not have to look like yours for your experience to be helpful. You may have found a doctor worth speaking to. A way of talking to your partner. A form of exercise you discovered you loved at 55.
This is what makes us phenomenal as females. We light the fires for those behind us to follow.
2. We navigate the world through stories.
As a researcher, I spend a lot of time thinking about the relationship between evidence and lived experience. Someone else's experience should never replace good medical advice, or become proof that the same treatment, supplement or intervention will work for everybody.
But stories matter.
They give us language for something we haven't yet been able to name. They give us the confidence to seek help. And most importantly, they make us feel less alone. Simply knowing that someone else has been here before. That they got to the other side too.
It gives us agency to move forward. Seeing somebody a little further ahead living well can change everything. And give us the confidence to light our fires for those following too.
3. Who lit the fires that you follow?
So many of the stories we are fed around female ageing focus on what we are 'losing'. Fertility. Youth. Smooth skin. Relevance. Visibility. Beauty.
Which is why it's so important to amplify the stories of what we gain. Confidence. Knowledge. Boundaries. Curiosity. Strength. Freedom. A better understanding of what makes us happy.
That is what we do for each other when we share.
4. Wherever you are now, you are ahead of someone looking for direction.
There is another part of this I love. At some point, we stop being only the person looking for the fires. We start lighting them too.
The thing you struggled to understand five years ago might be exactly the thing somebody else needs to hear about today. The decision you found terrifying might make someone else feel braver. The body you are learning to love again might change the way someone younger imagines ageing.
We don't have to get to the top of the mountain. We just have to be willing to share a little of what we have learnt.
5. Who do you look to at this lifestage, and who is looking to you?
Do they know the impact they had on your framing of midlife? Have you been able to pass your reflections on? I'd love your reflections on all of it. As always, email me at rebekah@mpowder.store.
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